Final Fantasy Cafe
by The Dark Crystals
Summary: Meet all your favorite Final Fantasy characters in one place, where we drink cofee and debate. Rated R because I'm afraid I'm going to lose myself.
1. Welcome

Hello Welcome to Final Fantasy Cafe all your favorite Final Fantasy characters are here to debate issues about each game. I am The Dark Crystals (but I like Crystal for short) the author of this fanfic and here to bring things under control. Just in case anything goes haywire. But without further adue, on with the fanfic!!!

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Final Fantasy Cafe

Cloud: Hi, I'm Cloud Strife the announcer and here is my assistant Vincent Valentine

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Vincent: .........

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Cloud: Anyway, I'm suppose to pick two debaters

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Tifa: Cloud pick me!

Tifa jumps up and down at one of the tables

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Aeris: Don't pick that hussy, pick me Cloud!

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Tifa: Who you callin a hussy?! Bet you were selling more than flowers in Midgar, you whore!

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Aeris: You should actually try to wear proper clothing like me you slut!! And at least I don't need breast implants!

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Tifa: OH THATS IT!!!!

Aeris and Tifa start having a cat fight breaking tables and food is flying everywhere

***_Poof_***

suddenly Tifa and Aeris are gone

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Crystal: I hate cat fights. The ones between Tifa and Aeris are getting extemely old.

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Cloud: :::_sobbing_::: Tifa....... ***_sniff_*** Aeris...._ ***sniff* **_

Crystal: What a wimp.....

Cloud is still crying

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Crystal: Stop it already Jesh! Fine I'll bring back Tifa at the end, cause I can't stand Aeris 

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Cloud: Really!!!!!!

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Crystal: Yes NOW ON WITH THE FANFIC!!

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Vincent: Did I miss something?

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Cloud: You were sleeping again weren't you?

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Crystal: No sleeping on the job!!

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Vincent: Of course not, just resting my,.. eyes

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Crystal: Since we aren't getting anywhere I guess I have to pick the debaters.

shuffles through papers

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Crystal: Umm yeah

still shuffling

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Crystal: Ok then our debaters for this topic will be Kain Highwind and Cid Highwind. Cool you both have the same last names!

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Kain: Yeah whatever

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Rinoa: Hey thats Squall's line! Right Squall?

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Squall: Whatever..

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Seifer: Still got as much emotions as a brick, huh Squall? **_*snicker*_**

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Cid: Who gives a %#@%# about shitty a$$ line, and get to the more %#@%@#% topic here 

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Ramza: You tell em Cid_!_

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Cid: Hey shut your @%#% back there!

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Crystal: Okay...... Anyway the topic is....

shuffling of papers...again

now looking under desks, and through every file

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Crystal: Um I can't find the topic

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Everyone: What?!

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Crystal: Ummmm, join us next time when we will actually have a topic and debate about it. Promise to be longer next time_!_

runs out of cafe before an angry mob starts

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End

Disclaimer: I don't own these character (darn) but squaresoft does.

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	2. Back Again

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Final Fantasy Cafe

Crystal: Hello I'm back!! Anyway, great to see everyone is here!!

muttering is heard through the crowd

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Crystal: Hey! Well were going to have the same debaters but, different announcers

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Zidane: Yep here today with my beautiful co-announcer, Daggar

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Garnet: Oh stop it Zidane :::_blushing_:::::

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Crystal: Alrighty then

**__**

Zidane: Well cause of last time, due to some minor complications...

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Amarant: Congradulations, you actually said something smart...

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Freya: Shutup, your so lame. Nobody likes you, the fans don't like you, even I don't like you

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Amarant: Is that so? Just to tell you I was the most favorable character in the game

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Crystal: I liked VIVI!!

Vivi looks around having no idea what is going on and what is he doing here

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Zidane: What about me, I was the main character!!!

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Garnet: Its okay Zidane, remember it was just a video game

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Vivi:What, I'm a video game character??

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Vivi starts going into hysterics****

Vivi: I told you we weren't real! Nobody is real!!! Just some figmant of imagination

suddenly somebody hits Vivi over the head with something, and now is lying on the floor unconcious, everyone looks to see who did it

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Locke: What? Somebody had to do it.

everybody starts applauding, all except the FF9 cast

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Garnet: Poor Vivi

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Barret: What the @#$%$#@!@#$ is this? It taste like shit.

Barret is holding up a cup of cofee

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Tifa (over at the bar)**:** Sorry, I make alcoholic beverages, not cofee

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Cloud: TIFA!! YOUR BACK!!!

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Crystal: Told ya so

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Edgar: I don't get it, how come she was a bartender and she was even allowed to drink yet

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Edea: One of the many mysteries of Squaresoft

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Cloud: I love you Tifa!!

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Seifer: How gay was that

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Rinoa: I thought it was wonderful, right Squall?

Rinoa is hugging Squall for dear life

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Squall: Right

Cid and Kain Highwind are just standing on the stage, just shaking their heads

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Vincent:.......(asleep)

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Goblez: So when does this fanfic stop?

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Crystal: WHEN I SAY IT STOPS!!!

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Cid: Alright, I'll settle all the disputes. I'm the best Cid out of all the @#$#@# games. The best game out of all the series was Final Fantasy 7 so eat your @#$$#%#$%@%% @%% hearts out.

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Kain: FFT sucked beyond compare. And alot of the villians in the Final Fantasy series are gay. Take Kefka and Kuja for example.

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Tifa: Not to mention Aeris

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Rydia(helping Tifa with cofee now)**:** Um, Tifa, Aeris wasn't a villian

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Tifa: Should have been the damn bitch

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Rydia: But she liked Cloud didn't she?

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Tifa: Are you sticking up for her?

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Rydia: Never mind....-_-

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Tifa: You know what, some of the playable characters really were annoying, like well, I'll just make a list. FF4 their was Rosa, FF5 their was Reina, FF6 Relm, FF7 Yuffie, FF8 Rinoa, FF9 Eiko, and FFT Ramza.

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Rosa: I'm not annoying

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Kain:(whispering to Cid) Glad Cecil got her

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Crystal: I think Kain, Rydia, and Cecil should hook up and then you can have a threesome

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Cecil: Are you implying I'm homosexual?

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Crystal: No just bi

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Cecil: Oh..

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Galuf: Glad I have short term memory

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Crystal: Your not suppose to put vodka in your coffee!!

looking towards Setzer and Shadow with a bottle of Vodka in their hands

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Setzer: Puts a little zing to it

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Shadow: Better than what it taste liked before

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Zidane: Hey! Pass some here!

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Garnet: Zidane!!

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Cid: Where is my god damn tea?

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Kain: Tea?

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Cid:Yeah, that or beer.

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Tifa: Are you ok, Rydia?

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Rydia: Yeah :::_blushing furiously_:::

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Sabin: I think we should all get drunk and be merry

everybody shouts in agreement

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Sabin: You never know what might happen

winks at Terra

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Terra: Oh god

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Irvine: I'm up for that!

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Crystal: Were going way off the topic here

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Garnet: I don't think we've even started the debate yet

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Zidane: Hell no!

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Freya: Well this was completely worthless

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Zell: How come they don't have hot dogs here?

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Quistis: This isn't a cafeteria

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Crystal: Well thats about it seeya later next time, and hopefully getting to the topic of our selection( so smart!)

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End

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the charcters, all right go to Squaresoft yadayada

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	3. Finally, the debating begins

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Final Fantasy Cafe

Crystal: We are finally going to get to our debate today! Well, since the last two times, we have gotten absolutely nowhere, same debaters.....new announcers

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Edge: Yeah, new announcer and makin this thing look good

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Edward: Yep, here too

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Cecil: How come I wasn't picked for announcer?

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Crystal: You might try to get it on with Kain

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Cecil: I don't like Kain!!! How come every writer, wants to put us together??!!!

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Crystal: Cuz they don't have anything better else to do

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Kain: Can we please try not to stray off the topic this time

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Crystal: Cecil started it

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Cecil: Hey!

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Edge: Anyway, I'll say what the topic is .....

Edge is opening an envelope and is starting to look at the paper in the envelope funny

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Edge: What the hell is this?! I can't read it!! It looks like chicken scratch!!

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Edward: Here, let me try to read it

Takes the paper and stares at it a long time

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Quistis: Well?

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Edward: It says....What is up since FF7 with hair?

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Cid: My hair looks damn fine you @$$@%%%#$@$

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Kain: Well you kind of had the only normal hair in the game, mainly there talking about Cloud

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Cloud: There is nothing wrong with my hair! Its natural!!

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Cid: Yeah right

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Tifa: But his hair is cute

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Kain: Also why is it with squaresoft that they make men have the longer hair then the women, take me, Edward, and Cecil for example

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Cid: The list can go on and on

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Sephiroth: I see nothing wrong with my hair

fan girls can be heard screaming

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Cloud: AH! You let him into the cafe?

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Crystal: Don't worry, he's sedated

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Rydia: What's so great about him?

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Crystal: First cute guy in the Final Fantasy series to have cinematic scenes

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Cloud: What about me?

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Crystal: You may look like a man, but you act like a girl, 'Lets get mosey'

everyone cracks up

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Crystal: But Sephiroth looks like a girl but acts like a man...OH! You two would be a great couple! Then you can have a double date with Kain and Cecil!!!!

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Cecil: :::::_shaking head_::::::: She's going to make me turn gay

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Crystal: You know what? This whole time Kain has not said anything about this!!!

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Kain: WHAT?!!!

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Crystal: Oh so I see your cheating on Cecil and having an affair with Rydia

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Cecil: What, you've been cheating on me?!

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Edge: I love Rydia so take your hands off her Kain!!!

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Rydia: Edge!!

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Rosa: So it is true, your really having an affair with Kain, you jerk!!

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Kain: Umm Cecil, I haven't had a relationship with you and I'm not having one with Rydia

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Cecil: Oh yeah

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Crystal: Too bad, 

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Edward: I'm so confused

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Zidane: I love Daggar!!!!!

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Locke: I love Celes!!!

everyone looks at Squall

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Squall: ::::_shrugging shoulders_::::::: Whatever

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Rinoa: You don't love me?

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Seifer: I do!!

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Rinoa: Really? Seeya Squall

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Crystal: Poor Squall got dumped by Rinoa, she wasn't good for you anyway!! Now you should go out with Rydia

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Rydia: Why does this happen to me?

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Edge: No!!! Don't go out with Squall!!!!

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Cloud: But I love Tifa...

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Crystal: No you don't you love Sephiroth

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Cloud: Tifa

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Crystal: Sephiroth

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Cloud: Tifa

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Crystal: Sephiroth

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Cloud: Tifa

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Crystal: Sephiroth

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Cloud: Tifa

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Crystal: Tifa

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Cloud: Sephiroth

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Crystal: Hah! Gotcha!

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Cloud: Damn

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Goblez: This thing almost done again?

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Crystal: Shuddup!!!

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Cecil: I thought it was Shutup

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Crystal: Whatever

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Sephiroth: But I liked Zack

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Crystal: Cloud is almost like Zack, except that he liked Aeris

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Tifa: Back off of Cloud! I've waited my whole life to be with him! You can have Zack, like to see the face on Aeris now...heh, heh

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Kain: Proves my point bad guys are gay

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Crystal: So is Kain!

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Kain: Am not!

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Yuffie: Seriously you've got issues

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Crystal: Are you talkin to me?

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Yuffie: Yeah, who else?

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Crystal: Oh really?

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Yuffie: Yeah I mean you have to be sick to think of something like this

suddenly Yuffie turns into a pile of dust

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Crystal: Can't stand her, oh well until next time!

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End

All character belong to squaresoft. Review please, flames are accepted (bring it on!)


	4. Your still reading?

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Final Fantasy Cafe

Crystal: Back in action again!!!! Anyway I'm so excited, I finally got my first debate done Yay!

mumbling can be heard in the backround

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Crystal: Hey! Well anyway, todays announcers will be Celes Chere and Terra Bradford, take it away ladies

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Terra: Umm, ok well, we have two new debaters today

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Celes: The debaters will be Cecil Harvey and.......Sephiroth??

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Cloud: We're all doomed!!!!

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Cecil: But why do I have to debate, I don't like to argue!

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Crystal: Jesh, just get your but up to the podium!

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Sephiroth: I would just like to dedicate this to all my fans **_*wink*_**

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Terra: Are villians allowed to wink?

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Celes: I don't know

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Rydia: One question, how come Sephiroth is the only villian here?

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Crystal: Cause he's the only cool one

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Cecil: My brother is evil, what is he doing here?

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Kain: You idiot, he turned to the side of good at the end of the game

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Cecil: What took him so long?

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Goblez: I don't like to be talked to as if I weren't here

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Zidane: But is he?

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Daggar: Zidane!!

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Kain: Ask your brother Cecil and not me, I don't remember you being this dumb,.....must be the side effects of Rosa

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Crystal: Awww, your first quarrel as a couple

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Cloud: I know why you put Cecil up there!!!

jumping up and down in his seat

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Cid: Stop jumping up and down you pansey

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Cloud: Oh sorry, but anyway.......because you know that debates take along time and Cecil will be standing up there and then Kain can't get to him!

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Crystal: And guess what?! You can't get to Sephiroth either! -_-

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Celes: Well anyway lets actually try to get the debate started

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Everyone: Says who?

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Celes: Says me before I stick this sword up your asses

takes out the Ultima Weapon

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Chirp

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Chirp (of crickets duh)

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Locke: Can that be possible?

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Celes: Locke....,.............,shutup

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Locke: Yes mam

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Cid: Man he's whipped

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Locke: Am not, just agreeable

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Terra: Well anyway, Crystal suggested that we ask the cast of Final Fantasy on what to debate on, or else she'll have to use the back up

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Galuf: I have a great idea!!

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Everyone: What?!

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Galuf: Umm, I forget

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Tifa: Yeah, another question to ask the author, how come the people that are supposedly dead are, kind of alive

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Crystal: You know what I'm done with asking questions, ask Sephiroth

Sephiroth is signing autographs to all the fan girls that are standing in line

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Sephiroth: I'm available Saturdays (to girl in line)

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Vincent: Why should we ask him, he might freak out on us again

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Crystal: VINNIE!!! Your actually awake!!!!

Vincent nods his head

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Crystal: COOL!!

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Cid: Why don't we have beer here?

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Ramza: Cause its a cafe

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Cid: Did I ask you $%@%@%@%@@@#$%#%#^#$%#%$#$^$%#$% $#%#^%$$#^#^#^%^#^%$^%#^%#^#^%#^#^%#^%%#%^$%^&%&%*^&%^%$&^%&#$^#^$^%%$&^$#%^@#$$#@!$#@%#%@$%$@%#%^$#$%##%^#^%#^%$^#^%$^%

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Edgar: How does he do it?

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Quistis: Many years of practice

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Cid: I'm not that old

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Bartz: How come you didn't curse at her?

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Cid: Because she's a woman you $@$%##@%$@# %$%@^%$ #^$# %$@^$@^$ %@ #^$@#^$@#%^$#^$%#^#^%#$%#%@$#%@%^%$@%$#%@&$&$*%&^@##@^$*%*%$^#%#@&%&$%^#$&$^&$&

goes on for another half an hour

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Cid: Now I'm missin the Dukes!

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Rydia: What?

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Tifa: The Dukes of Hazard, we constantly have to hide the remote

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Goblez: Umm so for my daily question, is this almost over?

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Crystal: Why I ought to......!!!!!!!!!!!

Crystal is running around chasing after Goblez with a coffee pot

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Terra: Well since the author is kind of busy

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Celes: We'll end this fanfic

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Terra & Celes: Signing off for now, Seeya next time!!

*all rights belong to squaresoft and anything mentioned above belong to their rightful owner, please review, I love to hear what ya have to say*

Oh yeah, thanks Arouet for constantly nagging me about continuing the story.


	5. Uggh, I have a headache

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Final Fantasy Café 

Crystal: Wow, I haven't updated in a long time…..wow. But anyway, .lets get to another topic of debate

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Everybody: Oh

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Crystal: Before I forget, Goblez will not be joining us tonight, ….Due to a minor accident…heheheheheh HAHAHAHAHAHA,…oh boy I just crack myself up

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Everybody stares at the author in horror

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Crystal: What?!

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Reina: She scares me

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Kain: She scares everybody

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Crystal: I do?

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The author scratches her head.

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Crystal: Well anyway peeps

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Ultros: What does peeps mean?

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Crystal: Its slang for people

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Terra: Ah! What,wwwwhaaat is he doing here?

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Crystal: He is here because I want him to be here plus, Ultros is cool guy with the purple tentacles and stuff! He was great in FF6 man!

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Ultros: And Chupon is here too

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Sabin: NO!! Not the boogey man!!

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Celes: He's not a man, he's a,…,a…..,a big puffy pink balloon!

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Tifa: And they thought our game was weird 

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Relm: But he doesn't look a thing like Jigglypuff

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Gau: Can Gau eat Jigglypuff?

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Sephiroth: I MUST BECOME A GOD!

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Cloud: Mr. Psychotic is back! 

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Crystal: But I already thought he was a god

Everyone: WHAT?!

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Crystal: A sex god!!

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Sephiroth: Oh yeah _(does some sexy poses)_

Take a look at Zell talking to Rydia who is making coffee at the counter

Zell: Are you sure I can't get hotdogs here?

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Rydia: For the last time Zell! There are no hotdogs in a café!

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Zell: I just missed them again didn't I!!! Why has the world cursed me!!! That I shall never eat another hot dog again!

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Tifa: Oh boy, I think he just went over the edge

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Cecil: Can I have a cappuccino?

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Tifa: What kind hot stuff?

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Cloud: Tifa!!

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Rosa: Get off my man!

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Cecil: Uh, French vanilla

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Tifa: You like french kisses too, don't you?

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Sabin: He also likes french fries, and french toast

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Crystal: Oh, I think Kain is getting mighty jealous

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Kain: What?

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Crystal: She wants to kiss your boyfriend! 

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Rydia: I always hoped he'd kiss me

Rydia hugs herself daydreaming

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Crystal: Aww now that's just cute

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Locke: Hold on I'm sensing something!

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Everyone: What?

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Locke: Some attraction between Rydia and Cecil

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Celes: No shit Sherlock

**Freya: **This fan fiction has gone bad to worst, again!

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Crystal: Thanks a lot for the support!!!!

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Sephiroth: ::::_singing_::::: If you want my body and you think I'm sexy come and let me know!!!

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Quistis: Now we have a singing villain

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Selphie: OH PICK ME !!!PICK ME!!! I have a good song to sing!!

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Crystal: What is it oh annoying one!

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Selphie: :::::_singing_:::::: Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town. Here we have some rules let us lay them down. Don't do waves, stay in line, and we'll get along fine. DuLoc is a perfect place! Please don't step on the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your….face! DuLoc is, DuLoc is, DuLoc is a perfect place!!!!

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Everyone: Oh my god…..

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Crystal: That was from the SHREK!!!!! That was an awesome movie!!!

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Zidane: So that's where you get all your corny jokes from!!!

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Crystal: No -_-

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Squall: Whatever

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Crystal: Is that all you say?

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Squall: Whatever

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Crystal: I see I'm not getting anywhere with this

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Squall: Whatever

Crystal: Please do something other than saying 'whatever'

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Squall shrugs his shoulders

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Dagger: Hmm, it seems that that author has only gotten rid of three people already

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Steiner: What do you mean, princess?

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Zack: She means that Aeris, Yuffie and Goblez have been magically disappeared, incinerated, or severely injured

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Cloud: So only one person is dead

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Zack: Yeah, I would have to say so Cloud

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Crystal: And I know who is going next….

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The author is whistling while looking at Rosa

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Aeris: I'm not gone yet!!!!! And I have come to get both of my boyfriends!!!

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Tifa: AHHHHHHHH!!!! THE BITCH FROM HELL IS BACK!!!!! SEPHIROTH, KILL HER AGAIN, WITH YOUR SWORD!!!!!

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Aeris: Shut your mouth! I have been for the last four chapters in the abyss of useless trash, and now,……I'M BACK!

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Crystal: Damn, how did she get out of there? Hmm, my magic must be a little rusty…

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Rydia: Settle down Tifa! I mean just because she wants to take both Cloud and Zack and do unspeakable things to them….

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Rydia looks around noticing that someone is out of place

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Rydia: Oh no!

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Sephiroth: I alone am allowed to be beautiful in the game!!!!

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Sephiroth comes down once again, impaling Aeris

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Aeris: This sucks…

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Aeris dies

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Tifa: :::::_singing_:::: Ding dong the witch is dead, the wicked witch, the witch is dead, ding dong the wicked witch is dead!

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Tifa is doing a happy dance

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Crystal: Sephy, why did you kill her again? Not that I mind though…

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Sephiroth: She copied my hair style

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Crystal: And she tried to steal your two men!!!!

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Sephiroth: Yes, well that too….

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Locke: You know what, I sensing something else

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Celes: Let me guess, a threesome

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Locke: How did you know?

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Celes: Just a lucky guess -_-

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Kain: Hmm, so when is Rosa going to die?

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Rosa: Kain!

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Cecil: What? My wife died. Oh, then may she rest in peace. And that means I'm single again! 

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Rosa: You idiot I'm still alive!

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Author coughs

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Crystal: Not for long

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Rosa: What do you mean by that?

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Crystal: Well you won't have to wait much longer because here comes another chapter!

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The author is now pointing at the reader

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Crystal: Well it seems like we didn't get to do any debating today. So you choose the topic for next times debate! So, seeya later!

* All characters belong to square soft. Also to give credits, to the songs listed here, rod Stewart, 'The Wizard of Oz', and 'Shrek', the lyrics are theirs, not mine. And thanks for reading!*


End file.
